824

First: you are not really in love with love. That's why you got stuck on a particular woman. A real lover never gets stuck anywhere. His offering is for love, not for persons. He loves beauty, not the rose flower, not the lotus flower. He loves beauty wherever it is; he does not get confused, he does not think that the container is the content.

You got confused. You are not a real lover. You have not really loved. In fact, you are avoiding love in the name of that woman. Now this is a beautiful trick to escape from love. What can you do? You loved a woman and she never responded to you, so what can you do? Now you can only go on playing with your wound. You are a masochist. I will not say that you are a fool, you are not. You are a masochist, a clever masochist, an intelligent masochist. You are arranging for your torture through the name of love, in the name of love. You are playing the game of being a martyr. You are enjoying this crucifixion.

You loved a woman; there is no necessity for the woman to love you. Your love is not enough to make it sure. Love is a two-way street, it is not one-way. But down the ages, poets, novelists, people who go on playing with imagination, have been talking about love as if when you love the person, the other person has to love you! The only condition that you have to fulfil is that you should really love. Even then, there is no need for the other to love you.

The other has freedom, the other is a living soul. If the other has to love you just because you love, then where is his freedom? Where is his soul or her soul? Then you don't leave any freedom for the other. If the other does not want you, does not like you, if the other is not turned on by you, then you can go on loving and nothing is going to happen. Just your love is not enough. In fact, the more you try, the more the other will go far away, because the other will become more and more afraid of you. You are dangerous! Even before love has happened you are not allowing freedom. What will you do when the love has happened? You will suffocate the woman or the man. You will surround the woman in such a way that it will become a prison.

Even right now the woman has not responded, but you are waiting. And you are thinking and hoping that because you love, she has to love you. Why? There is no must in it, there is no inevitability in it. Just the reverse will be the case. The more you chase her, the more you will make her afraid of you and the more she will escape from you. You are dangerous.

And the paradox is, the more she will be going away from you the more you will fantasise about her. A real woman very soon loses all charm. So is the case with a real man, because with reality the fiction cannot be continued for long. All relationships settle down by and by — the honeymoon is only short. If you really get the woman, within seven days, fifteen days, three weeks, things will start settling; the fiction, the poetry, the fantasy will start disappearing. The real woman and the real man will come back to earth. You cannot go on moving in the clouds for long. The other's reality will pull you back to the gravitation.

So when love is responded to, it is finished soon. When love remains unrequited, it can continue for your whole life, because there is no way for it to be finished. You can go on playing in your imagination — games, fantasies, dreams... And the person who has asked the question is an author, Musin. He must be imaginative, poetic. He must be able to create fictions. Now he cannot lose this woman because this woman is giving him great fictions. And she will go on giving you. The only condition is: she should not respond to your love, then the love can continue forever. In that way Majnun was fortunate because he could never get Laila. The really unfortunate people are those who can get their Lailas. Once you get your Laila or your Majnun, things are finished.

One man went to see the madhouse. In one room a man was beating his head, crying. Great tears were flowing down his cheeks and he was holding a small picture very lovingly on his chest.
The visitor asked the superintendent 'What has happened to this man?'
And the superinterdent said 'You see the picture that he is holding? He holds it day and night. That is the woman he wanted, he had loved, but could not get. Hence, he went mad. He cries and sings songs to her, and goes on thinking of her. That is his whole life. The whole world has disappeared, only the woman... He talks, he talks from his side and the woman's side, and the dialogue continues.'
Then they went to another room, and another man was beating his head and throwing himself against the wall.
And the visitor asked 'What has happened to this man?'
And the superintendent said 'This is the man who got that woman. Since he got that woman he has gone mad.'

You can go on living in your dreams, and you will think that you are a great lover — how much you are sacrificing! But you are simply a masochist. This can be done only by a masochist who wants to torture himself. Now you have found a good excuse to torture yourself.

I cannot appreciate this. I have no appreciation for any pathology, whatsoever the excuse. This is pathological. You offered yourself, the woman denied — it is finished! There are millions of women in the world. Why are you wasting your life? If you want to waste it that's another thing, but then don't befool yourself that it is because of love. Love is just an excuse, you really want to waste your life. You are afraid of love! You are depending on that woman. You don't want to approach another woman. One woman does not mean anything. Neither does one man mean anything.

If you are hungry you will eat even if the food that you wanted to eat is not available. Or won't you? If you are thirsty you will drink even if Coca-Cola is not available — plain Poona water will do! If you are thirsty you will drink, you will not say 'I will die, but I will not drink because I only drink Coca-Cola. I love Coca-Cola!' No, you will drink, you are thirsty. You are hungry, you will eat. If you are really hungry for love, then what does it matter if one woman has refused you? There is no need to feel lost, because there are millions of women.

But one woman has denied you, then there are a few things involved in it. First, your ego is hurt — as if you have some power over people. Just because you love, does somebody else have to love you? You can offer yourself, but the other has to decide. You took the initiative, but if the woman could not like you that does not mean that you are nobody, that simply means something was not fitting between you two. And it is good that the woman denied you. If out of politeness, or out of respect, or out of compassion, she had agreed to you, you would have been in far more trouble. Because compassion can never become love, and politeness is hypocrisy.

If she had not liked you and decided to go with you for some other motive, you would have been in far more trouble and anguish, because there would have never been that harmony that happens between two people who are in love with each other. She would always have been the compassionate one, the sympathiser; she would have felt for your misery. That's what you are doing. That's what people go on doing. When one woman has refused, or one man has refused, they go on crying, they go on making themselves miserable in the hope that misery will create compassion in the other. Misery can create compassion, and that is dangerous because compassion is never love. And you cannot be fulfilled by compassion, because the one who is showing compassion remains higher than you. You are a beggar. The woman can give to you, but there will be no passion in it. When compassion has come, passion disappears. There will be no thrill in the woman's heart, she will never feel ecstatic. She will always feel obliging. She will remain insensitive because her own heart will not open for you. She will pretend, she will do whatsoever is needed, she will fulfil the duty, but duty is not love.

Love is ecstasy, duty is dull. She will not dance because of you. She may become a good householder, she may take care of your children, she may look after you, she will be a good caretaker but these things don't fulfil. It is good that the woman didn't show any compassion to you. And you are asking for compassion, that's why you cannot allow the wound to heal. Once the wound is healed, then nobody will show compassion for you. You cannot get down from your cross! You have to hang there, and you have to go on shouting 'Look how much I am suffering! Come!' You are trying to create a situation in the woman's heart so that she starts feeling guilty, that it is she who is responsible for all your suffering. That's why you cannot allow the wound to heal. This is not love. This is ego — one.

And second — this is fear of love. You are afraid to knock at another door because you have been rejected once, so you are afraid you may be rejected again. You are hesitant, so you go on knocking on the same door, and your knocking on the same door will only create nausea in the woman. You will be a nuisance. She can't love you, so you will become more and more of a nuisance.

Forget about her, and forgive her. And this is your life — don't waste it. And this life is precious — don't let it go down the drain. Love can still flower. If it has not happened with A, it can happen with B, it can happen with C. The real thing is the flowering of love. With whom it happens is irrelevant!

But people become too obsessed with small things. 'It should happen only with this woman who has black hair.' What is wrong with blonde or brunette? 'It should happen only with this woman who has such a long nose.' These are obsessions! Foolish! You get too much involved in details, and you go on missing the real point. The real point is that love should happen! And once it starts happening and your heart starts flowing, it is even possible that woman may become interested in you. Because people only become interested in people who are happy, who are flowing, who are blooming. If you start blooming, there is a possibility... I only say possibility, I am not saying certainty, otherwise you can even do that.

If you start blooming, that woman may start thinking of you. She may start feeling that she missed an opportunity, she may start feeling that there is still time, she may start thinking 'How to make it?' she may start knocking on your door. But that is possible only when you are happy. Now you are a wound! Nobody loves a wound. And remember, if somebody loves a wound, beware of that person — that person is neurotic. Escape, because if the person loves the wound, he will never allow the wound to heal. He will go on creating bigger wounds in you, because he loves wounds. There are people who love wounds because when somebody is wounded, they are always upper, higher, greater, better.

One man — he was one of my students in the University — told me that he would like to marry a widow. In India that is a problem. Nobody wants to marry a widow. So there are people who think that to marry a widow is a great sacrifice. I said 'You can marry, but once you have married she will not be a widow. Then what will you do? Then the whole charm will disappear because the charm is in her being a widow.'

He laughed — he thought I was joking. And he got married. And after six months he said 'You were right. I'm no more interested in her. My interest was basically in her widowhood. I wanted to show to the public that I am a great servant of people, that I am serving people even through my love. I am sacrificing my love for a widow. I am going against the society, I am going against the tradition. I am doing something great. But now the marriage has happened and the widow has come, now there is no point.' I said 'You do one thing. You commit suicide. She will be a widow again, and somebody else will have a chance to serve her again. If you are really a public servant, do this.' Since then I have not seen him.

Don't go on playing with your wound. This continuous fingering of the wound will not allow it to heal. And I think the woman you were in love with has some sense. She will not look at you. Who wants to look at a wound? Be happy, become a flower: bloom. Let her feel jealous. Let her feel that she missed an opportunity of finding such a beautiful man. Let your song burst forth, then there is a possibility she may come. And whether she comes or not is not the point. You are not here only to love that woman. This is a vast world, and with millions of beautiful people all around. Why get so obsessed with one person? A real lover is never obsessed with persons, his devotion is towards love itself. He worships the god of love. Persons come and go, persons change; the god of love remains the same.

You ask: 'What does one do about unrequited love?'
One forgets about it, one forgives the person. One does not make much fuss about it.

'What does one do about unrequited love that seems to live on and on like a wound that never heals?'

You are not allowing it to heal. The only way for it to heal is: fall in love with somebody else, because only love heals, because only love is a healing energy. Love is therapy. Fall in love, and it will be healed. But you have much investment in the wound; you don't want it to heal, that's why you won't fall in love with somebody else. This wound has become your prestige. This is your ego trip. You think it is love; it is nothing, it is an ego trip. You are feeling offended. You have to show this woman, even if you have to die; but you will show this woman. You will die crying for her, and then she will be miserable for you and then she will feel guilty about you. These are your hopes! You don't love this woman at all, otherwise you won't think of making her guilty. If you really love her, you would like her to be happy. You will simply disappear from her world you will help her to forget you. You will become non existent — at least for her — so that she can live her life without any interference from you. But that will heal your wound, and you will no longer be a martyr, and you will not be such a 'great lover'. You are not interested in love, you are interested in being a 'great lover' — that is the ego trip.

'What does one do about unrequited love that seems to live on and on like a wound that never heals?'

It is simple. You like certain food, and you have not got that food today, but if you don't eat anything else, naturally you will become ill. Hunger will grow. Tomorrow you will be more hungry, the day after tomorrow you will be starving. And you go on asking 'What is one to do? When one cannot get the food of one's own choice, what is one to do?' Then the second choice, then the third choice — whatsoever is available. And one never knows, because each person is carrying such divinity in him and in her, that one never knows! If you fall in love with another woman, you may start thanking God. 'It was good that the first woman had rejected me. If she had not rejected then I would not have been able to find this woman.'

This is my observation of thousands of people. Once you look backwards you will be surprised, everything fits perfectly. The first woman denied you and the second woman accepted you, and you can feel happy. If the first had accepted, the second would not have been possible. The second deserted you and the third became possible, and you are more happy. Otherwise the third would not have been possible.

Just a few days before, a sannyasin was saying to me 'I have lived with this woman for three months, and they were so beautiful. I have never known such moments. And now she is deserting me. What should I do?' I told him 'Help her to desert you. Because three months before you were clinging to another woman. I remember perfectly well. And that time you were saying 'If this woman leaves me I will commit suicide. I cannot live without her.' And after just three months you have forgotten about that woman. You have not committed suicide. On the contrary, you are saying that this woman has been your greatest experience in life! Now she is deserting, help her.'

Why get so obsessed with personalities? Remain in love. And let your love be fluid. Don't let your love become stale and solid and dead. Millions of flowers will bloom in your being, don't go on weeping just for one flower that didn't bloom.

'How is it that a man can go on loving one woman year after year...'

Yes, if you don't get, you can go on year after year, life after life. Because then you are living in fiction, then you are living in fantasy, then you are living in your dreams. You go on creating the woman — who is not the real woman. The beauty that you give to the woman is given by you. That woman is just a fiction. You can go on living with your fiction. Real women are difficult, as real men are.

You are alone, and it is your fiction, you can paint it the way you want. Your woman will never become old, the real woman becomes old. Now, Musin's woman will never become old. He will become old, but his woman will always remain young. She will never become ugly, he will become ugly! He will become old, ill, death will come, and she will always remain there fresh, like dewdrops in the morning, always fresh, always young, always beautiful. Your woman will not stink ever, she will not perspire either. And she will not throw her panties all around the bathroom. It is your woman, a fiction. She will not nag you, she will not fight you, she will not be jealous. You can do whatsoever you want, she will not hinder you. She will never come in your way, she will allow you all freedom.

Now, no real woman can do that, so one gets fed up with the real woman, one gets fed up with the real man. With the unreal, there is no problem. So you are in a non-problematic relationship. You can enjoy it forever. But this is not a relationship, this is neurosis. It is like a madman who is talking with somebody who is not there. You will go on talking with your woman and you will go on doing things for the woman, and you will go on hoping. And your life will be slipping by through your hands. Be a little more alert. It is your life. You owe yourself a few joys, a few celebrations. And the real celebration is always in reality. It cannot be only in dreams.

'How is it that a man can go on loving one woman year after year believing, in spite of the pain, that one day she will find a place for him in her heart?'

You can believe. If you remain hungry and you don't eat anything, you will have to believe that the food that you demand will descend from heaven. 'One day it is going to happen, I am doing so much sacrifice. A little more, a little more — I will sacrifice myself completely, then it will happen. How can my sacrifice go in vain?' — That is your logic. But you can go on starving, the food is not going to come from heaven. If you want to seek food you will have to accept the food that is available.

Nourish yourself. Start moving, then maybe the food that you want may become available to you. But starving, dying in a comer, no energy to move and just hoping that something will happen is a deception. You are deceiving yourself. Deceptions can be very beautiful and artistic and aesthetic, but still they are deceptions. Love the real. It is through reality that one grows. Beware of dreams and their power over you. They can take away the whole opportunity, they can destroy the whole opportunity.

'Am I a fool to believe? I think that I am a fool, and yet I continue to believe. Am I creating this situation?'

Certainly, you are creating this situation. That woman may have forgotten about you. That woman may not be a part in it at all. She may not remember you at all. It is you who are creating the whole situation for yourself.

And naturally... 'Or is this situation creating me?'

It works both ways. First you create the situation, then the situation creates you; then you create the situation and the situation creates you. It is a vicious circle. And then you get more and more in the mire of it, entrapped, entangled, and it becomes very difficult to get out of it. You will need great courage to get out of it. You will need to jump out of it. It will not be gradual, you will just have to escape out of it. Fall into anybody's arms just to get out of it! And every person is beautiful, you just have to love the person and the beauty starts flowing.

People ordinarily think that they have fallen in love because the person is beautiful. Just the contrary is the case: you see the person as beautiful because you have fallen in love. If somebody asks 'Why have you fallen in love with this man, or this woman?' you say 'She is beautiful, that's why.' That is not true. The truth is just the opposite. You have fallen in love, hence, she looks beautiful. Love creates beauty.

Start falling in love again. And I don't think that you are a fool. You are too clever, too wise. If you are a fool, then you will fall in love easily, because only fools fall in love. Wise people never do such things. You are wise — you tried once, and then you are finished for your whole life. Be a little more foolish. Try it once again. And I don't see that one has to go on being a failure forever. And remember, that if you succeed in love, only then will you be able to go beyond love. One has to go beyond love. But one can only go beyond when one has gone through it. You are struggling below love. It is far better to move into love and struggle there. One grows out of authentic, real experiences of love. One goes beyond. Then a totally different kind of awareness arises. It is not that it is unloving, but it is no more a longing for love. It is a state of love: one shares one's being. It is no more relationship then, it is your state. You are love, not loving.

So these are the three things: you are in the dark night of the soul, you are in a very unloving space. The second thing is: be in a loving space. And a loving space is anxiety-creating; it is conflict, it is struggle, because a real person enters into your life. And there is clash and an overlapping of the boundaries; and all kinds of diplomacies and politics enter, and strategies to dominate, to possess. There is great war. Lovers are intimate enemies.

Only out of that experience does one grow to the third state: one becomes absolutely independent. Now there is no need for love. One can live alone, and one can live alone as happily as one can live in relationship. Now there is no difference. There is no hankering. Then a different quality of love arises in your being. You start sharing it.

Musin, you are struggling at the lowest point. Try to get out of it. And don't wait for any miracle. Miracles don't happen.