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It is difficult to be silent because in silence one disappears.

You can exist as an ego only in noise. Noise is the food for you to exist as an ego. You live on it, you thrive on it, hence the difficulty of becoming silent.

When people start thinking of becoming silent, they have the idea that when silence comes they will be there and they will enjoy the silence. That idea is utterly wrong; you don’t have any notion of real things.

When silence comes, you will not be there; you and silence cannot exist together. You are the noise. So when silence comes there is only silence.

There is nobody who is silent; there is nobody who can be there enjoying silence. Silence is not an experience because there is no experiencer. It is utter silence; there is nobody. Sufis call it fana, dissolution. Buddha has called it nirvana, extinguishing of the candle. All is gone and there is only nothing, a kind of no-thing-ness.

You will not be able to find yourself as a self; hence the difficulty. You will have to die to become silent – and who wants to die?

We want silence also as a decoration, as a medal, so we can brag that “Not only have I got money, I have also got meditation”; so that we can brag that “Not only am I rich outwardly, I am rich inwardly too.” The first interest in searching for silence arises out of the ego, and the ego itself is the barrier.

So when you come in contact with a master or with an energy field, with a school where things are being done – really being done, not only thought about – then the fear arises. Then you become aware of the phenomenon that with the noise disappearing, you will also disappear.

Are you ready to risk that much?

You say, “Why is it so difficult to be silent?” – because you are invested in noise. “My words,” you say, “are so mechanical and used, a continuous repetition of histories: the same old past which doesn’t exist anymore.”

Mind is nothing but the past. It is just the records of the past; it is a recording mechanism. It is your history, it is that which is no more, it is memory. But that memory keeps you alive as an ego. And you have to go on repeating that memory again and again; it helps, it supports. You have to go into your past again and again to revive your ego; this is the way you nourish it.

If you drop your past completely… Just think for a moment, if by a magic wand your past is dropped completely – this moment, who will you be? Will you be able to say “I”? The past disappearing… The I would have disappeared with it. You will be, but you will not be able to say “I.” You will be just a silence, an empty canvas, a meditation, a peacefulness, a stillness, but there will be no I.

Just think, slowly, slowly, eliminate the past. Drop your past and then think, what remains? Nothing remains. Or, only nothing remains. That nothing is you. That nothing is your reality, your essence.

So this is a mechanism to keep the ego going. You will have to repeat, you will have to go again through the same words and the same memories and the nostalgia again and again. And you will improve and polish on those memories. You will invent things which have never been; you will make your past look very beautiful golden, which it wasn’t. You will drop all that is ugly, and you will go on and on projecting.

People go on inventing their past too. They make it as beautiful and as rich as possible because that is where their ego exists. Everybody thinks that their childhood was very beautiful. The childhood was beautiful, but that childhood you don’t remember at all. The womb was beautiful, but that you don’t remember at all. And after birth, the first two, three years were beautiful, but that too you don’t remember at all.

The childhood that you remember is after the fourth year, and that has not been beautiful at all. That was one of the most difficult times in your life because you were being forced, pulled and pushed into the social structure.

You were cut this way and that; you were being adjusted to the machine. You were almost destroyed. You were manipulated. No child likes it. Every child resists, becomes angry, rebels, but is helpless. And finally the parents win and the society wins.

Those days were ugly, remember again. There is nothing golden in them.

But later on, everybody thinks those days were beautiful. That is your invention. People not only project the future, they project the past too. They go on coloring it, polishing it, touching it again and again. And slowly, slowly, they make a fairyland of their past. And then they feel very good. The ego is supported by their beautiful past. The ego becomes beautiful through a beautiful past.

Just look into the autobiographies that people write. In autobiographies you will not find anything truthful. Or, if sometimes you find something truthful it will be about others, not about the person who has written the autobiography. It will be about others but not about him.

All autobiographies are a species of fiction. People invent them. Autobiographies should be counted as fiction, nothing else, because you write about your childhood later on. That childhood is just an invention. With all your experiences, with all your knowledge, with your whole life lived, you create a childhood. You create the childhood you would have liked to live. It is a beautiful fiction.

And one has to repeat it. Remember one thing – lies have to be repeated again and again, otherwise you will forget them. That’s why it is said that if you want to lie you need a good memory.

A man who speaks the truth need not have a good memory. There is no need; the truth is truth. The person who is constantly lying will need a really good memory. Lies have to be repeated, only then can they live; otherwise they disappear.

You ask me, “Why do I go on mechanically into the same past again and again, repeating old habits?” – because this is the way you can keep it alive; otherwise it will disappear on its own.

And this is something to be understood. If you stop participating with your past, if the past repeats like a mechanical habit, watch it, don’t cooperate with it – you will see you have taken the energy out of it. Slowly, slowly, watching, it starts dropping. Once your watching has become total, the past disappears.

And the disappearance of the past is satori – because your personality, your I, your ego, your self exists in the past. With the past they all disappear, and you are thrown back into the very center of your being. Again you are innocent, again you are a child. That’s what Jesus means when he says, “Unless you are like small children you will not enter into my Kingdom of God.”

What kingdom is he talking about?

He is talking about the kingdom that is within you: the center, the essence, or you can call it whatever you want to call it. A rose is a rose is a rose; it doesn’t matter by what name you call it.

That childhood can be regained, rediscovered. That innocence, that beautiful innocence, can be yours again. And it will be far richer than it was because now you will be fully alert of it. You will be conscious too. To be consciously a child is to be a saint.

There is a story of a little boy of six years of age together with his girlfriend of five year of age who approach his mother with the news that they are going to get married.

“And what are you going to do for money?” the mother asked.
“Well,” said the little boy, “I get ten cents a week allowance and Mary gets five cents a week allowance.”

“And where will you and she live?”
“Well, we thought that one week we would live at our house and the next week we would live at Mary’s.”

“What,” asked the mother, “are you going to do when you have children?”
“Well,” the little boy replied, “touch wood – so far we have been very lucky!”

That innocence is still somewhere in you. That totality, that beautiful ignorance, is still somewhere in you, hidden behind so many layers of the personality. And those layers go on repeating themselves.

Watch the repetitiveness of your mind. Even if sometimes it changes words, it goes on repeating the same thing. Even if it sometimes changes habits – you may stop smoking, then you start chewing gum. It is the same thing, the same game played with different toys. Watch the utterly unoriginal nature of your mind. Consciousness is original, mind is always repetitive, unoriginal.

A telegram arrived at the army barracks. Corporal Jones’ mother had died. That evening on the parade ground the sergeant major bellowed at the men, “Attention! Jones, your mother is dead. Okay, men dismissed.”

Poor Corporal Jones collapsed, distraught. Next morning the commanding officer called the sergeant major to his office. “Now, sergeant major, a word about death. When one of the men’s parents passes on, goes beyond to meet his maker as it were, I think it would be better for morale if you broke the news with a little more kindness. Be a bit more subtle. Know what I mean? Different approach – know what I mean? There’s a good chap, off you go now.”

Now it happened that one month later, poor Jones’ father also passed away. The sergeant major, remembering what his officer had said, thought, “Right, now – different approach, subtle, bit of kindness!”

That evening he called to the men, “Attention! All those with a father take one pace forward. Jones, where the hell do you think you are going?”

It does not make much difference. Mind is repetitive, mind is just an old gramophone record. You can change words, you can change habits, it remains the same. The worldly man becomes the otherworldly, but it remains the same.

I have watched so many of your saints, and I have not seen any difference at all. They are still in the marketplace, although they live in the monastery. They have only changed forms, superficial forms, but the mind is exactly the same, no difference at all. They are playing the same games with new names and they are utterly satisfied.

I have always felt deep compassion for your so-called saints; they are really pitiable. Whenever I see a so-called saint, deep down I say. “Poor man” – because he is thinking he is a changed being. He is not.

First he was running after money, now he is running from money, but the running continues. First he was continuously hankering for this woman and that, now he is continuously afraid of women. But he remains obsessed with the same idea – for or against makes no difference. He is focused on the same target. First he was in lust, now he is anti-lust, but the object of lust or anti-lust is the same.

So whether you desire the world or you renounce the world will not make much difference, unless you understand the ways of your mind, how it functions repetitively.

Watch. Nothing else has to be done – just watch. Watch all the subtle ways the mind moves into old grooves; just go on watching. Slowly, slowly, the watcher arises, the watcher on the hills, and the mind is left far behind.

Deep down in the valley it continues; it goes on playing the tape. But you are no longer it, you are no longer in it. You can use it whenever it is needed, and you can forget all about it whenever you don’t need it.

Talking to you I have to use the mind; there is no other way. But the moment I have gone into my room I put it off. It is just a question of putting it on and off. It is a good mechanism, it can be used beneficially. The problem arises only when it becomes the master and it starts using you.

And that’s what is happening. The mind has become the master, and the consciousness is completely lost. Regain your consciousness, become more alert attentive. And the best thing to be attentive of is your own mind. Just watch its subtle and delicate methods, how it goes on playing games.

And I am not saying change those games, because if you become interested in changing, you will forget watching. That’s why I don’t say to my sannyasins, “Leave the world.” I say, “Live wherever you are.” Sometimes it looks very strange…

Just a few months ago, there was a French prostitute here. She wanted to take sannyas but she was also afraid. She was afraid that if I came to know that she was a prostitute I might not give her initiation. But she was really a sincere soul, she couldn’t hide it. And that’s what I call saintliness. She said, “I should not hide it from you, I have to tell it that I am a prostitute. Can you still initiate me into sannyas?”

I said, “I may have rejected you before, but now I cannot reject you. Your innocence, your sincerity – nobody was asking you, you have told it on your own. This is beautiful. I will initiate you.”

Then another problem arose in her mind. When after a few months she was going back, she asked, “Now what am I supposed to do? I am a prostitute and that is the only profession I know. Now what am I going to do? Will you give me some indication?”

I said, “Who am I to give you any indication? Just go, and go on doing whatsoever you have been doing. Just be watchful from now onward.”

She said, “Do you mean that I can continue to be a prostitute?”
I said, “That is not the point, whether to continue as a prostitute or not to continue as a prostitute. Even if you leave and you become a nun, your mind will be the same of the prostitute. It is not a question where you are – in a monastery as a nun or in the marketplace as a prostitute; that is not the point at all.

The point, the whole point, consists of one thing – wherever you are, watch your mind. Now become alert. Let this light of watching always be there. And if some transformation happens through that watching, that is another thing. That is going to happen.”

And it did happen. But that is not renunciation, that is not renouncing anything. Something simply withers away, something becomes utterly stupid and drops. Something simply falls; you cannot hold it anymore because it is so stupid.

My sannyasins have to remain in the world as they are. All that I teach is to become more alert, aware, watchful. And if something happens out of that watchfulness, it is good. It is not your choice, it happens choicelessly.

You say, “Why is it so difficult to be silent?” – because you are still clinging to your ego, afraid to die. You say, “My words are so mechanical and used.” Everybody’s words are mechanical and used.

You say, “…a continuous repetition of histories, the same old past which doesn’t exist anymore.” Yes, that is the case with everybody. Don’t be worried about it. You are not suffering from anything special. It is just the ordinary disease of man, the ordinary disease called mind – very ordinary, normal.

You say, “How am I still not tired of it?” – because you are still inventing it. How can you be tired? You go on improving upon it. You go on painting here and there a little bit more, decorating refining. You are still working on it; this is your creation. The painting is not finished yet, it is on the way. That’s why you are not bored with it. And you will not be bored if you continue working on it, improving upon it, refining it, making it more and more delicate and beautiful. You will never be bored.

Stop cooperating with it. And the way to stop cooperation is to become alert. Then immediately cooperation disappears.

Just try it.

There is anger; become aware of the anger. I am not saying stop anger, drop anger – just become aware. See that the anger is there and watch that it is arising, that you are surrounded by it, that it is clamoring all around like a cloud and you are suffocated by it. Go on watching, without doing a thing.
The moment you do something you have lost your watchfulness. Doing means you become engaged, doing means you become cooperative. And there are two types of cooperation: you can either be for or you can be against. Both are cooperative. In both ways you become entangled.

Avoid being for or against. Don’t be for anger, don’t be against anger. It is there, a fact. Just watch without any judgment and you will be surprised, soon you would have found a golden key.

Watching, slowly, slowly it disappears. And it disappears without leaving a trace on you. Then you have the key; then use it for all kinds of thoughts.

One day you have become alert of the secret process of watching, that watching destroys the mind, disconnects you from the mind. Watching puts the mind off.

And once you have risen above the mind like a Himalayan peak, you are the master. That is the goal of being a sannyasin.