360

You are coming closer to the point, to the target of understanding, but you have not come exactly to the point yet; you are missing only by inches.

You say: [“Once I thought about energy as if energy was mine and I liked to think that I had a lot of energy. Now I have realized….”]

Still that “I” continues; before it was identified with energy, now it is identified with realization.

[“Now I have realized,”] you say, [“that I am only a passage, a medium, a vehicle for the energy of the divine.”]

To be a passage means you are no more. You cannot realize that, “I am only a passage,” otherwise you are still there – and if you are there you cannot be a passage. You have to disappear completely. Nobody remains there to realize that, “I am a passage” – then you are a passage.

That’s why this problem is arising. Sometimes you are less and sometimes you are more. When you are less, more energy is flowing; when you are more, the flow stops. When you are a little more there as a realizer, as a spiritual being who has understood the flow of energy, when you are there identified with this new idea of being a passage and a medium, energy disappears because you obstruct it. Sometimes when you are not there – not even as a realizer, not even as a medium, when simply you are not there – the energy starts flowing.

You ask: [“So how come that sometimes I am so full of energy…?”]

Whenever you are not, you are full of energy; whenever you are, energy disappears. God can exist only in your absence; you cannot coexist with God. But you are still there in a subtle way.

You ask: [“How come that sometimes I am so full of energy…?”]

Who is this “I am”? You are enjoying this: “…I am so full of energy.” Energy comes when you are not, and immediately you jump in and you say, “…I am so full of energy,” and energy starts disappearing.

You say: [“…overflowing from each pore, feeling that it is impossible to contain that much…?”]

Who is there to contain? Who is there to count how much it is? Who is there to weigh? In a subtle way you are hiding by the side or looking from the corner of your eye.

A guest had come to Mulla Nasruddin’s house. Mulla Nasruddin was giving him food. The guest was saying, “Now it is enough – I have taken five puris, now no more.” Nasruddin said, “Five? You have taken eleven, but who is counting?”

This is also counting! Who is there to contain? You jump in – it always happens. Not only with you, it happens with everybody. Whenever those rare moments come when you are not, energy flows. Suddenly the mind recoils, comes back, feels great: “So much energy, impossible to contain!” And immediately you fall to the opposite polarity.

You say: [“…and after a few hours I am empty, with no energy even to say that I would like to have more energy? Is there no way to keep the flow of energy constant?”]

Who wants to keep the flow of energy constant? Just see the point – it is you. The old habit goes on coming back in new ways.

Rosenfeld, a New York men’s clothing manufacturer, was returning to America after a business trip to Israel. On the way back he decided to stop off in Rome and take in the sights. Two weeks later he finally arrived home. “How was the trip?” asked his sales manager. “Fantastic!” replied Rosenfeld. “In Israel I sold a thousand more suits than any of us expected. Then I stopped off in Rome and saw all the historical sights. I got in with a sightseeing group and we had an audience with the Pope.” “The Pope himself? You don’t say!” exclaimed the sales manager. “What does he look like?” “Oh,” said Rosenfeld, “I would say about a forty-four short.”

A tailor is a tailor, a businessman is a businessman. Even if he goes to see a buddha he will come with this information – a forty-four short. They say that a shoemaker never looks at people’s faces, he goes on looking at their shoes. In fact, that is his only way to judge about people. Seeing the shoe he knows whether you have money in your pocket or not. He knows how things are going in your life, whether you are happy or unhappy. In fact, a good shoemaker can predict everything about you just by looking at your shoes; the psychoanalysis of the shoe will show everything about you.

Old habits, and it is so with everybody…. The “I” is the most ancient habit; for millions of lives we have carried it, so “I” comes again and again. You will have to be a little more watchful, a little more alert. Who wants to keep the flow of energy constant? Exactly the same entity that wants the flow to remain constant is the cause of it not being constant. Be a little more alert.

Mrs Hatton wanted to scare her husband out of his terrible drinking habit. One night she dressed up like the Devil and waited for him in an alley. Soon the bar closed for the night and Hatton staggered toward home. Mrs. Hatton jumped out at him and yelled, “Yah! I am the Devil!” Hatton held out his hand and said, “How da ya do? I married your sister.”

This is awareness – even drunk.

Learn a little more awareness, be aware. The “I” will come in many forms, shapes, disguises. It can become spiritual, it can become holy, it can become saintly, godly. It can try every possible way to save itself. When you are feeling full of energy you are not, hence great love arises. The ego poisons love; you start hugging people, trees. People have complained to me and trees too, because they may not be in the same energy space as you are. Be a little watchful.

But I know, when the energy flows one is constantly in a sharing state; one would like to share with everybody, even with trees and rocks. But when it disappears you will feel very, very empty, so empty that you would like to commit suicide. This happens only when you reach a peak of energy, and then coming back to the valley is very disturbing. People who live in the valley and never go to the peak never think of suicide.

That’s why in poor countries suicide is rare, in primitive countries absolutely nonexistent. Animals don’t commit suicide – they never go to the peak. Because they don’t know anything about the peak they never feel the ugliness, the darkness of the valley. Because they have never smelt the fragrance of the divine they can never smell the stinking existence that they are living.

So this is going to happen to every sannyasin. You will reach peaks of joy and then when you fall from the peaks the only desire will be to be finished with it all. But the fall is not happening on its own – you are the cause of it, it can be stopped. And the only way to stop it is: when you are on the peak, enjoy the peak, enjoy the sunlit peak, the pure air, the whispering of the clouds, the closeness of the stars, enjoy that; and when you fall into the valley, enjoy the darkness of the valley, the dangers of the valley – and don’t bring yourself in – both are good. In fact, the valley will allow you a little rest so that you can again be ready to go to the peak. The valley is a kind of sleep; it is needed after a day’s hard work. Tomorrow morning you will be again rejuvenated, you can again track your path toward the peak.

Enjoy both – and you can enjoy both if the “I” disappears. And if the “I” disappears – I would like to give you the real mystic statement about it – if the “I” disappears there is no peak, no valley; everything is the same. Wherever you are, God is flowing through you; wherever you are, you are in a state of blessedness. Wherever you are, not only are you blessed, you bless the whole existence too.